Dead or Alive

Chapter I

I don’t hear anything.  Listen.  Quit breathing and listen.  Nothing.  Okay, breath.  Wait a minute.  I can’t tell if I am breathing or not breathing.  I don’t feel my chest move.  I don’t hear my breath.  What?  What is this?  It’s totally black.  Not a speck of light.  I can’t see anything.  Are my eyes open?  Open my eyelids.  Are they open?  I don’t know; I can’t tell.  What is wrong with me?  I think I’m screaming, but I don’t hear any scream.  I don’t even know if my mouth is open.  Where are my hands?  I don’t feel them.  My feet?  No.  Lick your lips.  Nothing.  Did I?  I didn’t feel my mouth open.  I don’t feel any moisture.  Grind my teeth.  Nothing.  No pressure.  No nothing.  Taste?  No.  Smell?   Yes, can’t I smell something?  Anything?  Something?  Not a thing.

What happened?   Where am I?  Where is everyone?  Anyone?  Is anyone there?  Can you hear me?  Am I even speaking?  Please, hear me.  Please, help me.  Help me.

Nothing.  But I am thinking.  Aren’t I?  I think I am, thinking.  Maybe.  No, I am.  It’s Saturday, October 12.  Right?  That’s right, isn’t?   Well, isn’t it!  Somebody say something!  Anything!  Somebody touch me!  Wait, maybe someone is touching me.  I don’t feel anything, but maybe I am being touched, maybe even cared for.  Maybe, I’m….paralyzed, totally and completely paralyzed.  Hairline to toenails, paralyzed.  Maybe that’s it.  Paralyzed.  God, I hope not.  I could be this way for years, and then more years.  Oh, God, no, please, not that.  Not paralyzed.

But if not paralyzed, then what?  What am I?  Dead.  I’m dead.  I can’t be dead; I’m thinking.  I am thinking, right?  But, maybe you can be dead and still think?  Is that possible?  Maybe there is no big tunnel of light, no Heaven’s gate.  No God.  No nothing!  That cant’ be.  That just can’t be!  Surely, there is God, and Heaven, and millions of people in Heaven.  And music, and praise, and joy!

I hear nothing.  I feel nothing, except fear and despair.  But, wait.  Those are feelings.  I am alive!  I must be because I have emotions.  I couldn’t have emotions and be dead, right?  Right?  How do I know.  I’ve never been dead.  I’ve never even been close to dead.  Wait, that’s not true.  I did have a near death experience, and I did see my body below me, and I did float, and I did feel great joy and connected to another world, a spiritual world full of warmth, and love, and forgiveness.  I did.  I know I did.  I know I did!

But I don’t now.  I only feel … desperate.  This is it.  There is no more.  I know I’m not dead, because there would be more.  But, I’m not alive because there is nothing.  Purgatory.  Yes, that’s it!  Purgatory!  The in-between place.  Catholics believe in Purgatory.  Maybe Purgatory is real, and I’m there.  In Purgatory.  Right?  Please, answer me.  Someone, please answer me!  Is anyone else here in Purgatory?  It can’t just be me.  I’m not the worst of the worst.  I’ve been good.  I’ve even been saved.  Washed in the Blood of the Lord!  Do you hear me?  I’ve been saved.  Forgiven!  I belong in Heaven, not Purgatory!  Heaven!

But not hell.  I know I’m not in hell.  If I were in hell, I would be…in anguish.  Well, what the hell am I in if not anguish.  Oh, my God.  I’m in hell!  Cut off.  Isolated.  Totally and completely alone, with no sense of anything, and yet alive with nothing but my thoughts.  Is that not hell?  Please, anybody, hear me.  Do I not have tears?  Can’t you see me?  Please, answer me!  Answer me!

Nothing.  Oh, God, please hear me.  Please.

Chapter II

What’s that?  I see something.  I see something.  Yeah, it’s blurry, but I see something.  What is it?  It’s…it’s…it’s my body.  What the hell!  It’s my body.  It’s…it’s …not very good.  Oh, my God!  My body does not have a head.  Shit, where’s my head?  My head is not on my shoulders.  I see.  My head is gone.  My neck is gone.  There’s just blood and flesh and oozy shit.  Oh, God.  My body does not have a head.  Wait..wait…wait.  If m y y body does not have a head, then  my head does not have a body.  Which means?  Which means…what?  What!!  Oh, my God.  What happened?  Why can I look at my body from over here?  Where is over her?  Why is my head over here?

I don’t feel good.  I feel…light headed.  My thoughts are growing dim.  I feel…numb.  Tired.  Given.  I…I…feel…faint.  Sleepy.  Tired.  I will rest, now.  Rest.

Chapter III

What the hell?  Oh, my god.  I’m moving…up…really fast…accelerating…flying …fast… must stop….go back…now…oh, please, please…where am I going…stop…stop…back…please…oh, God, what is that…that light….I can’t see….I can’t feel…what….what…where…I’m here…somewhere…but here..what?

Oh.  Gosh.  I’m here.  Wow.  Wow.  I’m here.  I’m here.  What do I do?  Dance?  Bow?  Oh, gosh.  There He is.  He is.  He really is.  He’s approaching me!  I don’t know what to do….except ….bow down.  He is beyond belief.  Beyond….words…I am no more….I am….enraptured….transformed…………

Chapter IV

And what happens then?